Fetal Monitors and 4Runners

           You may not be able to tell if you’ve been reading my columns, but I have ethics. I would not, for instance, force my political views on you, despite the fact I’m right and your so wrong your vote should be given to someone more responsible, like, well, me. I would not criticize your religion, sexual practices, or position on gun control and I certainly wouldn’t, just because I have a column and you don’t, blatantly use it to brag about my new grandson Will, born 7 lbs., 12 oz. with black hair so cute he looks like he’s already had his first haircut.

            I would use this column, however, to alert you to a barbaric practice now in use in the hospitals using a device resembling something you might see in a museum of torture devices designed in 1400. It’s called the fetal spiral electrode. Wait until the CIA sees this “medical instrument.” They’ll be lining up to trade in their waterboards.

            The wrapper for this device says it’s “for use on patients requiring fetal heart rate monitoring, by way of fetal scalp, during labor.”

            In case you’re not following, this monitoring device is attached during labor, before the defenseless little baby has even been born. How, you might be asking yourself, do they do that?

            They screw it into the baby’s head!

            In the diagram the tip of this thing looks suspiciously like an upholstery pin, you know, the spiral, needle-pointed wire with a plastic button on top women use to attach covers to the La-Z-Boy to protect the arms from cheese dip? How do I know it’s women? Have you ever seen a man use an upholstery pin?

             The instructions advise, “Push the Grip back until the spiral tip contacts the presenting part.” What, you might be asking yourself, is the presenting part? It was little Will Moore’s sweet head! “Turn it clockwise one full turn until mild resistance. WARNING: Do not over-rotate.” You think! I’m feeling queasy.

            Now, you’re probably asking yourself, what does this have to do with $40,000 baby incubators and Toyota 4Runners?

            According to a posting on engadget.com, a lot of babies die in developing nations due to lack of incubators, you know, those heating units that keep baby chickens and humans warm? Used incubators are often donated, as new ones cost about $40,000 each. Often lacking either the technicians or the parts to fix them, however, most of the incubators don't work.

            Enter Dr. Jonathan Rosen of Boston University's School of Management, who's ingeniously devised an incubator out of the abundant Toyota 4Runners found in developing nations. Apparently, if you want your nation to develop, you first have to get a bunch of Toyota 4Runners.  Rosen cobbled together an incubator using headlights as the heating source, the filters for air purification and the door alarm for emergency notification. The resulting incubator costs about $1,000 to make and can be repaired by auto mechanics. (I would like to see Dr. Rosen’s job description, the part where it says teach students to become managers and oh, by the way, invent incubators.)

            I’m writing an email right now to Dr. Rosen (I know, wrong kind of doctor) to ask him to find another way to attach a heart monitor to a baby. If he can cannibalize a 4Runner to make an incubator, he could do this job in his sleep.
            Little Will has had a couple bumpy days, heart rate too high and not exactly stable, but he’s okay. My heart rate might be too high, too, if somebody attached a monitor to the top of my head using an upholstery pin.