July 4th

JULY 4TH MEANS HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMERICA

by Schubert Moore

            Only America has July 4^th and with the exception of explosives, nothing is more associated with July 4^th than politicians making speeches. We here at the NOTES research department have put together this handy pocket guide in an effort to help you decipher the real meaning behind political rhetoric.

            I’m not a politician, means I’d like to be, but either a) I can’t get elected or b) I don’t understand how government works.

            I bring vital leadership, means I’m way hotter than my opponents. OMG! have you seen them?

            We need to set priorities, means I have no idea what we should be doing.

            I can’t advise you on this issue, means my staff is still arguing about what I should think.

            That’s a really good question, means my staff didn’t prepare me for this question.

            Times are tough right now, means there is no chance you’ll get any help.

            We need to get back to the basics, means I’m going to cut what you want out of the budget.

            My number one priority, means my number one priority for this audience.

            I’ve been going around the district talking to people, means I can’t afford pollsters.

            I know how to listen, means I can afford pollsters.

            We need to take a closer look at this issue, means I’ve hired a pollster.

            I’m not afraid to stand up for what’s right, means if it polls well.

            This issue is critical, means until something else polls sexier.

            This is a very important issue, means you’ll never pin me down.

            I’m open to considering this issue, means would you like to make a contribution to my campaign fund?

            We need to learn more, means delay.

            It’s never easy to vote to raise taxes, means it’s easy to vote to raise taxes if I can find cover.

            Finding cover, means blaming someone else.

            Local control, means I put my secretary on it.

            We need to consider that carefully, means there’s no chance I’ll consider it.

            We need to keep in mind, means I promised something different to the last audience.

            I’m a very strong supporter of this issue, means my big money is a strong support of this issue.

             This is an interesting question, means I have no interest in this question.

            This is a pretty frustrating issue, means I’m having trouble remembering what I said before.

            We need to change the way we govern, means boy, you hated what I tried the last time.

            I have a vision, means my big money has a vision.

            I’m fiscally conservative, means I won’t spend any of your money on projects unless they’ll help me get reelected

            I have a wealth of experience, means I’m a living argument for term limits.

            Several aspects should have been vetted, means I’m in deep doo.

            I want to spend more time with my family, means my affair is about to go public.

            It was an honor to represent you, means it was an honor to represent you.